Noah: Lights, Camera, Auction!

I came tearing out of the gates like a lion ready to bite a gladiator's head off. LDT...mine! Manning...mine! Brady...mine! and then I realized I didn't have enough money left to fill out a roster. That's the dream I had the night before the auction. I was just glad I slept at all. The anticipation was almost too much to take. When I woke up the morning of August 25th I knew it was that special day I'd been waiting for. Energy surged through my body and I felt like I just got a B12 shot. I was well aware that a beautiful girl named auction-draft was coming around the mountain when she came and let me tell you something...she was glorious in all of her wonderfully refreshing splendor just like tall can of Arizona raspberry iced tea on a hot summer day.

My research, done. My strategy, laid out. My hair, nicely gelled. My balls, solid brass. I'll be a son of gun if I wasn't the most ready pink skin you ever laid your sweet little eyes on. It was time execute. It was time...

The auction swept in like a tornado and passed almost instantly. It...was...over.

I'm not gonna lie to you. Mistakes were made. I'm thoroughly disappointed in myself. I had plans. I had big plans. I knew who I wanted and I had every intention of getting good values across the board. I was saving my money to make a run at Brian Westbrook and I got caught bidding up Willis McGahee. I got good value on McGahee, but it took me out of the running for Westbrook who also went way too cheap. I saved myself later by making a few savvy trades mid-auction to move some money around, but in the end I was left unsatisfied like a customer who just finished an overpriced, under tasty meal from the 5 & Diner. If, by chance, anyone had x-ray vision and happened to be staring at my crotch immediately after the auction they would have seen an inordinate amount of sweat hanging from my scrotum. Yeah, it was that intense.

They say that those who can't teach do and those who can't do teach. Well I did it and now maybe I should look into a career teaching others how to do it. Apparently during an auction the only thing I know how to do is take a doo doo in my pants. I honestly believe I had that, "Oh crap, I just shit myself!" look on my face afterwards.

Don't get me wrong, I actually think my team is possibly the best and definitely top three out of ten. But I left full of regrets and torturing myself by dreaming about what could have been. For only a few precious hours earlier Manning, LDT and Brady were all mine.

Let's not kid ourselves, who else do you really need?

Rick: Abolish the Draft

Mark Rypien... not the name you usually associate with fantasy football stardom. But Mark Rypien was the first pick in my first ever fantasy football league, way back in the fall of '92. He finished that season with 13 TDs and 17 picks, and yet somehow I think the guy who picked him (who in his early adult years picked up the nickname Stupid Mother Fucker) won the league. This proves 2 things: a) Mark Rypien was actually good at one time (with 28 TD's and a super bowl ring the year before), and b) Fantasy drafts are a surefire way to ensure that some jackass wins your league.

Granted, the fact that the rest of us lost to a guy who picked Mark Rypien number 1 overall means we probably have no one but ourselves to blame. But because he was lucky enough to have the #1 pick, and we were stupid enough to not do a serpentine draft order (reversing each round) he got enough good players to fill out a decent team.

Well, that league has been running strong for 15 years (except for 3 seasons in the mid-90's when it folded due to the laziness of our dear comissioner... remember, you actually had to read boxscores to run a fantasy league back then). And in quite a few of those years, the #1 pick has been a sure path to victory. In one of my 3 championships, I had picked Marshall Faulk, in his prime, at #1, giving me a decisive and unfair edge over the competition. Similar results were seen in other years with Priest Holmes, and now LT. And it's not just #1... #2 is also a huge advantage over the lower picks. After I traded away Jerry Rice for Barry Foster and Art Monk, I learned to my dismay that marquis players are irreplaceable. Thus, even a serpentine draft order doesn't help, because the order of the first round has by far the biggest impact on the ensuing fantasy season.

The only solution? Abolish the draft! To celebrate the 16th year of our fantasy league, we're turning the corner and moving to an auction to figure out who goes where. Each team starts out with $200 fantasy dollars, and players go on the block in any order you want. The upside is enormous:

1) It's a level playing field. If you don't get LT, and he erupts for 40 TD's this year, whose fault is that? You should have paid more.

2) Bidding creates a sort of benevolent animosity between rival fantasy owners. If I can't kick dirt on your grave, at least I'll outbid you for Joseph Addai.

3) Uneducated owners can't get too lucky. Players can't just fall into their laps based upon the randomness of the draft and who picks ahead of them. Plus, they'll probably overbid on bad over-the-hill players and underbid on good up-and-comers, and their roster will look like the all-pro team I made in NFL2K (just 2K, as in 2000). You could even mess with the token dumb guy, and get into a bidding war with him for Michael Vick. Just make sure you back off before you end up with him.

4) All trades are possible. In the NBA, the salary cap seems like the obstacle to every dream trade. But in fantasy football with an auction and a salary cap, any trade is possible because one side just needs to agree to pay a little bit of "contract" to make the deal go through. No one wants to do the one superstar for two or three good starters trade in real fantasy football, but with contract money flying around you can always make a deal fair.

5) Tear up your mock drafts. A mock draft cheat sheet won't work anymore, because while Larry Johnson might be more valuable than Peyton Manning straight up, how much more valuable is he? Is he worth $20 more in fantasy money? That's up to you to decide. Even mock auctions aren't good enough, because they don't take into account who your bidding against, how much money they have left. Plus, players will likely go in a different order in every auction, changing the dynamics completely. To make it even crazier, we redo the points for TD's and yards by position every year, so most of the cookie-cutter online analyses you see don't apply.

6) Screw the other guy. It's midway though the draft, and I'm high on Santonio Holmes, but I can get him even cheaper later in the draft when the other teams have less money to throw around. I'm going to put Matt Cassel on the block, and I don't even have Tom Brady. But somebody does, and now that guy pretty much has to outbid me if he wants insurance in case of a Brady injury. Late in the draft, he probably could have got Cassel for $1, but now he has to spend at least $2. See how awesome this is?

7) Side bets. When I show up at the auction, I'm going to make a bet (real money this time) with someone on the over-under for Matt Leinart. I have no idea where Leinart will go, or how much he will go for, but it'll be a good chance to test my instincts. If the bet is small, no one is going to sabotage their fantasy team to try to win the bet by bidding him up.

I am psyched up about this auction, and I have no doubt we'll be ditching the draft for good.

Noah: A History Of Violins

You know how people do that thing where they rub two of their fingers together and say something to the effect of, "Do you see this? This is the world's tiniest violin playing just for you."? The bitch of it all is that people do this to make you feel worse about something you already feel bad about. And the extra kick in the nuts is that it's usually a good friend that does this. It's meant to make you stop complaining and stop feeling sorry for yourself, but it usually just makes you want to rip your friends' ears off so he won't be able to hear you whine anymore. Nothing has caused more men to act like frustrated babies more than sports over the last few decades. Nothing. Even though sports shouldn't be that important, they just are. Nobody is going to feel sorry for you if you're suffering from a sports heartbreak except the other fans of your team and nothing pisses you off more than when you want consolation, but instead your friends start telling you stuff like, "Sorry, but I have a bad case of the 'rub it ins' and it could last up to 24 hours."

The pain and agony of being a sports fan always seems to outweigh the elation and satisfaction that is offered by the hobby. I was lucky enough to witness one of my teams win a championship when the Diamondbacks took the world series from the Yankees in 2001. I was never happier as a sports fan. All the stress of life had melted away and for a moment I was nothing but happy. I was suspended in a state of euphoria that could never have lasted too long. That was the one moment when I, as a sports fan, was king. Now if you would, please join me as we travel to the other side of the coin.

Things that really hurt and happen way too often:

• Your team chokes away a meaningful game in the waning moments.
• Your team chokes away a meaningless game in the waning moments. It still hurts.
• Your team is poised to make a deep playoff run only to have a key player injured and the team never recovers.
• Your NFL team builds up your hope for the upcoming season and then inexplicably goes straight into the dumpster by starting out 0-4. Again.
• You have to watch another teams' fans celebrate after they just stole a game that your team had well in hand.
• Your team cuts or trades away good players that you like and your team needs for salary reasons.
• You accidentally break something valuable in your house because your fantasy running back just got stuffed at the goal line on 4 consecutive carries in the final minute on Monday night and you lose by 5.

The heartbreaks are not only much more common, but they also score higher on the 'how much does this affect me?' scale. What's weird is that painful memories are hard to forget and good memories are difficult to recall. Talk about a 'raw deal'(another classic Schwarzenegger movie by the way). We seem to enjoy the pain though. In this masochistic society, we like to test our tolerance and we like to feel sorry for ourselves. We must if we like sports as much as we do. If you're looking for a cessation of sports frustration then just stop following your teams. Of course you won't stop and neither will I. Because we love sports and the be honest we'd miss the pain. So the next time you're dejected, demoralized and utterly depressed because your team just blew the big game, I want you remember one thing. The world's tiniest violin is playing just for you.

Noah: Living The Game

Adam "Pacman" Jones has officially crossed over from a human being to cartoon character. It wasn't enough to get suspended from the NFL for the entire season for that absolutely heinous fight at a strip club in Vegas that left one man paralyzed, but now he's a professional wrestler. I don't necessarily have a problem with pro wrestling, but this can't be a good idea for a guy who's trying to earn reinstatement with the NFL next season. Not to mention that wrestling is almost assuredly a breach of his contract with the Titans. Any standard contract in the NFL would not allow a player to put himself in that kind of danger without the team being able to recoup a good portion of his signing bonus if he's injured. Does he need money so badly that it's worth that risk or is he just nuts? It looks like this Pacman is stuck between a ghost and a hard place.

While watching Barry Bonds repeatedly get fooled on change-ups and swinging through fastballs tonight I couldn't help but notice two major things. First of all, I immediately felt how huge the moment was. It seemed the entire San Franciscan crowd was holding it's collective breath on every pitch. It was almost uncomfortable for me to watch it with such mixed feelings. I like to be watching when history is made, but I just wish the record was being broken by a clean player. Secondly, Bonds doesn't look comfortable at the plate at all. He keeps dipping his shoulder and it appears he's trying to lift the ball. He also seems to be swinging with only his arms. It's pretty hard to generate home run power if you're not using your legs. That being said, it's only a matter of time until he blasts one over the fence. You did it Barry. You're the all-time home run champ. Now take your giant watermelon head and get out of our lives already. Return from whence you came and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. You might still be sore there from all the injections.

Noah: College Education

The 2007 college football coaches' top 25 poll was recently released and it begs one to ask an important question. Shouldn't college coaches actually know college football? I'm not saying they completely botched this thing, but Florida at #3. Are you kidding me? That absolutely leaps off the page. Even putting them in the top 10 seems like a pretty big stretch. I understand they're the defending champs, but who exactly is returning to the team this year? Their defense ranked 6th in points allowed last year, but they have only two of eleven defensive starters coming back for '07. That's not exactly the ratio coaches are looking for. The Gators defense is going to be in big trouble when they play good teams this year. On offense things don't look quite as bleak. They have a lot of talent on that side of the ball and Urban Meyer seems to believe in sophomore QB Tim Tebow. But any team that loses it's starting quarterback (Chris Leak), it's top rusher (DeShawn Wynn) and it's top receiver (Dallas Baker) is going to struggle at times. Consistency is what separates the top three or four teams from the next fifteen. I'm just not buying that a team with nine new faces on the starting defense and an inexperienced QB is going to be able to navigate the troubled waters when it matters most.

Just in case you haven't seen them yet, these are the rankings the coaches came up with:

1. USC (45) 0-0 1,481
2. LSU (4) 0-0 1,372
3. Florida (9) 0-0 1,278
4. Texas 0-0 1,231
5. Michigan (2) 0-0 1,218
6. West Virginia 0-0 1,205
7. Wisconsin 0-0 1,114
8. Oklahoma 0-0 1,026
9. Virginia Tech 0-0 1,005
10. Ohio State 0-0 919
11. Louisville 0-0 836
12. California 0-0 763
13. Georgia 0-0 604
14. Auburn 0-0 595
15. Tennessee 0-0 583
16. Rutgers 0-0 466
17. UCLA 0-0 454
18. Penn State 0-0 440
19. Nebraska 0-0 388
20. Arkansas 0-0 360
21. Florida State 0-0 301
22. TCU 0-0 233
23. Boise State 0-0 222
24. Hawaii 0-0 214
25. Texas A&M 0-0 209

Kyle: What I Hate About Sports (Part 1)

In my last post I discussed what I love about sports. But as much as I enjoy sports, and consider myself a fan, there are several aspects of the sporting world that I loathe. I had originally planned this as a single post, but as soon as a I began writing, I realized I needed to break it up into parts. Here's part one.

I understand professional sports is big business. I understand that televised sporting events have been driven by commercials since the dawn of the medium. I accept these things. But the commercialization of sports is now completely out of control.

In the interest of full disclosure, let me state this up front: I despise ads. More than that, I consider ads to be a real societal evil. The constitution says there is no official American religion, but it is wrong. Consumerism is the American religion. And ads are that religion's propaganda. From the moment Americans are born, we are trained to be one thing above all--consumers. We are told that we must have lots and lots of possessions if we are ever to have a chance at happiness (like all those happy people in ads), and built-in obsolescence makes certain that we can never stop buying more, bigger, faster. It's the only way to sustain the economy of a country that concentrates its wealth at the very top and produces mostly junk and bombs.

With that said, it should come as no surprise that I do my best to avoid ads. Print ads are not really intrusive (unless you are reading the like of Cosmo or Vogue), so I'm okay with most magazines and web sites. "Hard copy" newspapers have been obsolete for a decade. And between Tivo and podcasting, I've managed to mostly eliminate the intrusive ads from my life. I even show up to movie theaters late, just to avoid the "pre-show entertainment"--an abomination that deserves its own column.

But the one time when I can't escape the long arm of the ad agencies is when I'm watching sports. Yes, I could Tivo sporting events, but it's deeply unsatisfying on a psychological level to watch something when I know the results are readily available on the internet. There's a reason no one in the US watches the Olympics when they take place on the other side of the globe. Also, in that situation, I have to avoid talking to anyone about sports so as to not ruin any surprises. I better remember to turn off my cell phone or one of my buddies is sure to call and rave about the amazing finish I've yet to see. And, of course, one of the best parts of watching sports is the group experience of collectively reacting to the action with delight, despair, disdain, and most importantly, comedy. Try throwing a Super Bowl party on the day after the game. See how that works out. The bottom line is that watching non-live sports sucks. But that's not even the issue, because while the commercials which interrupt the action are an annoyance, they are something I have come to accept as mentioned above. What I really hate is everything else. For instance:

Naming Rights
If you were born after 1987, you may not realize this, but stadiums were not always named after multinational corporations. They used to be named after aspects of the city in question (Three Rivers, Mile High), or you know, actual things related to sports. There are still a few relics of that bygone age such as Lambeau Field (named for Green Bay Packers founder E.L. Lambeau), and the wonderfully minimalist Giants Stadium. But mostly now we get to watch our teams play in places like Network Associates Coliseum, and my hometown groaner, University of Phoenix Stadium (in Glendale).

Since the taxpayers are usually footing a huge part of the bill on these structures which cost hundreds of millions of dollars and ultimately put more money into the pockets of the super wealthy, maybe we could at least name the damn thing. Or, if the owners sell the naming rights, maybe we should get a rebate. No? No takers? Oh, that's right, I forgot about all the money these new stadiums pump into the local economy for taxpayer benefit. I don't know how I overlooked all the low-paying service industry jobs the stadiums create. The bevy of new opportunities for waitresses, hotel clerks, bellhops, taxi drivers, ushers, and concessions vendors are surely more than fair compensation.

But it gets worse. Not only to we have to put up with these ridiculous names pimping global financial institutions, but they keep changing the names! Just when you get used to the stupid corporate moniker, the contract is up, and there is another pile of money to be made. My hometown baseball stadium is a case in point. When the Arizona Diamondbacks stadium first opened, they sold the rights to Bank One, and it became Bank One Ballpark. The name sucked, but at least you could use the acronym BOB, and after a while we managed to convince ourselves that "The BOB" was kind of cool. So what happens? Chase Manhattan buys out Bank One, and now we are stuck with Chase Field. The CF? Ugh.

Signage
Is it just me or has the amount of signage at sporting events increased exponentially over the last 20 years? I know signage has been a part of sports for a long time, but it seems that there is now an unwritten rule stating that every available surface must be plastered with ugly ads. And, of course, the advertisers are trying to draw our attention so they use the most garish possible colors, creating a panoply of eyesores. The Arena Football League has stooped to actually placing ads (for the US Army) on the players' uniforms. And yes, I realize NASCAR pioneered that concept years ago--another reason to hate NASCAR. What's next? Ads on the urinal cakes in the bathroom? No, someone already thought of that: http://www.peepeeface.com/

Television Commercials At The Stadiums
Speaking of Arena Football, I recently attended a local Rattlers game that was televised on ESPN. When they stopped for TV timeouts, they actually had the gall to play some commercials on the jumbotron! So I pay money for a seat at the arena and not only do I get to deal with the hassle of extra timeouts so the league can generate ad revenue, but I also get to suffer the indignity of being subjected to TV commercials! I can't even escape them with a bathroom break or a trip to concessions thanks to ubiquitous monitors and a deafening sound system. This makes me want to commit a homicide. So help me god if this unholy practice spreads.

Sponsors Galore
Apparently, we are no longer allowed to have anything remotely connected to sports that doesn't have a sponsor attached to it. The first thing I noticed getting out of control was the college football bowl games. They used to have names like the Citrus Bowl and the Peach Bowl, but those have given way to corporate monstrosities called the Capital One Bowl and The Chic-Fil-A Bowl. The bowls with a more prestigious history have at least kept their traditional names, but they have tacked on an incongruous sponsor ala the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl or FedEx OrangeBowl. The venerable Rose Bowl held out as a beacon of hope for a while, but sadly crumbled to corporate sponsorship in 1998. Of course, the current bowl system is essentially contrived to make every last dollar off the labor of the NCAA's unpaid "student-athletes". The NCAA will insist that they are doing a great social service by providing a scholarship to these young men, many of whom are underprivileged and would not otherwise have access to higher education. Of course, they do not appear overly concerned with the education of underprivileged kids that don't have a good 40 time. In any event, bowl games used to be a stage to showcase college football's best teams. But then they realized there was money to be made off mediocre teams too. Of the 31 current bowl games, 18 of them were created in the last 20 years. This has resulted in such classics as the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the Diamond Walnut San Francisco Bowl, and my personal favorite, the galleryfurniture.com Bowl. I can hardly imagine the joy which entered the heart of the player who realized one day he would be able to tell his grandkids that he scored the winning touchdown in the galleryfurniture.com Bowl.

But it wasn't enough for sponsorship to desecrate the bowl games. Now, everything has a sponsor. Pregame. Postgame. Halftime. Players of the game. Analyst notes ( i.e. Toyota's "Keys To The Game"). Replays! For god's sake, the local Suns games on FSN now have a sponsored shot clock!

But even that was not enough. Some marketing genius (i.e. asshole) had this epiphany: why have one sponsor for something when you can have two? I was recently watching a halftime show, and I don't recall the specific sponsors, but it was the equivalent of this: "Welcome to the Nextel halftime show, brought to you by General Motors". This is a frightening slippery slope. At this rate, by 2010 we will be treated to the Carquest and Wendy's halftime highlights brought to you by Boeing with a special thank you to Hershey's, where Curt Menefee will cheerfully recap a situation in which, "Facing 4th & long on the Tough-Actin' Tinactin down indicator, with 1:23 left on the Microsoft game clock, the Ravens trail the Colts by a score of 23--brought to you by Budweiser--to 30--the official score of Levitra." I think I'm going to throw up.

The owners in professional sports have a lot of ways to make money--from tickets sales to merchandise to concessions to television revenue. But I hate that they are now attempting to squeeze every conceivable drop of green out of their product with zero regard for the fan experience. It's the true spirit of capitalism: maximize profits above all else.

Every team trumpets the claim that they have "the best fans in the world". No wonder they think so. We keep enabling them to fill their coffers with gold while they continue to shower us with gold of a different sort.

Rick: Long live MMA

I'm the guy who ruins your UFC party by telling you that I know of a random Japanese guy who could beat the tattooed monster standing over his KO'd opponent. I'm the guy that watches events every week from the UFC, Pride, WEC, IFL, and EliteXC. I go online to watch Shooto and K1 Hero's fights on YouTube. I read multiple MMA blogs every day, since it's mainsteam sports news coverage (read: coverage by ESPN) is still in its infancy.

MMA shattered my love for the traditional sports by simply being better. It's faster, more explosive, and more technical (if you don't think so, you're not watching the right matches). A wise man once said that every sport is a combination of the two pure sports: running and fighting. Sometimes that fighting is in the form of swinging a club, throwing a rock, or pushing another guy past a line. But now we see fighting distilled to its essence, rather than disguised as something else. That's a big part of what makes me a fan.

Rick: R.I.P. NBA

I tried to get excited about the Kevin Garnett trade. But when I considered how few NBA games I actually watched last season (not counting the Suns, who are essentially playing a different sport from all the other teams), it made me feel like an impostor to be even contemplating its ramifications. I'm simply not an NBA fan anymore; the league officially jumped the shark in 2006 finals, but momentum for the jump had been building for years. What happened?

The referee took over the game. Forget the obvious, about how at least one referee is *actually* corrupt. I mean referees in general took over the game. It's reached the point where ball-handlers dive headlong into a crowd in the key and expect the ref to bail them out with a foul call. There's a sense of entitlement there, and it rubs me the wrong way. Sure, I was always the guy who like to play sports a little bit rough. Ask anyone; I was the guy who would plant a flying shoulder into your spine if you were about to catch a long pass in a game of touch football. So some might say I just like the game rough and raw.

But it's more than that. The ref controls the pace and outcome of a game, indirectly, by blowing the whistle every time a fast athletic guy comes into contact with a slower, less athletic guy. It's not clear why this is done, although it probably helps shoe and jersey sales for the fast guy, his endorsers, and the league. Well, I'm the slower, less athletic guy, and I bet you are, too. So let us play some defense. Until the NBA fixes this problem, I've officially moved on to a sport where the ref doesn't control the game: MMA. Stay tuned.

Noah: Recent Developments

It's amazing what a huge impact the Kevin Garnett trade has already had. I find it amusing, albeit necessary, that the league had to completely change the NBA tv schedule to feature the Celtics as opposed to intentionally ignoring them like last year and like they probably had planned to do this year up until the trade went through. The good news for Celtics fans and for the NBA is that the Celtics matter again. The bad news is, their best case for actually being able to win an NBA championship now relies on them telling themselves, "If we could just get into the finals, anything could happen." Sure anything could happen, but that's a lot different from what probably will happen. Good luck getting past whichever Western Conference powerhouse makes it to the finals. At the very least this gives people on the east coast a chance to see some exciting NBA basketball without having to stay up until 1 am.

Dante Culpepper is back. This time he's sporting the silver and black colors of a Raiders uniform. It's hard to imagine Culpepper being an effective QB again, especially on a team as pathetic as Oakland, but I still think the move makes sense for both parties. The Raiders have nothing to lose and Pep pretty much needed to take anything he could get. I feel that Culpepper basically has no fantasy value at this point, but hopefully someone will get excited about him and waste a roster spot on him and his bum knee in my league.

Frank Gore and his broken right hand have slid down my draft board a few spots. He's projected to miss most or all of the preseason. A lot of people think that running backs don't need the preseason to get ready, but that is only partly true. They don't need preseason games to get ready, but they do need the practice. I'm sure he'll still remember how to hold a football when his hand heals up, but It's hard to imagine him being as productive out of the gate. What might be a bigger issue is how much it could affect his ability to catch the ball out of the backfield. He was probably only average at best as a pass catcher and now he has to go a month or more without catching a single ball. I don't think he's someone you have to stay away from in upcoming fantasy drafts, but he's no longer a top 4-6 guy.

Random note: I saw the movie 'Sunshine' last night and without spoiling the movie I wanted to make a comparison. Watching that movie is like thoroughly enjoying a delicious meal and then twenty minutes later finding out that you are highly allergic to every ingredient that comprised it. I sort of left with that , "oh no, what did I just do?" feeling in the pit of my stomach. Good times. There are better ways to spend 950 pennies.

Noah: Arizona Cardinals Season Preview

Here we go again. Another season of heartbreak is inching closer with every passing moment. The Arizona Cardinals are the perfect torture machine. They, unbelievably, instill hope in their fan base every year only to crush it ever so effortlessly and sometimes seemingly intentionally. I, a lifelong Cardinals fan, am flabbergasted. I'm just not sure what the problem is anymore. You can theorize all day long and never come up with a correct cause. Bad ownership has played a major role, but that's no excuse for one winning season in twenty-two years. Some years they just didn't have the talent, but guess what? Some years they did. People reaching for reasons will point out the "losing culture" the Cards have created, but what does that really mean? Do you actually think the players are blowing games because they're thinking about that? If you do, then you probably never played sports and don't realize what kind of a mental zone 99% of players are in when they're in a game.

I won't pretend to know why they are so incredibly inept, but I will say this. I have been a die hard Cardinals fan since I was eleven years old. For those scoring at home, that's fifteen years. I've been in a stare down with this anemic franchise the entire time telling myself not to blink, telling myself things will get better. By now you might figure that most people in my position would say, "It's just not going to happen. They'll never be any better than terrible. It's not possible". But you know how the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me sixteen times..." That's right, I'm still all in. I still have hope. I still believe that this could be the year. So pack your bags, you lovable bastards, and start heading to training camp.

(It's time for a quick , "did you notice?"

Did you notice that in Michael Vick's official statement that his attorney read, but was supposedly in "Michael's own words", he referred to training camp as "spring training"? That trial is already corrupt. No NFL player would ever call training camp, "spring training". I promise you, it never happened.)

This years' team shows immense promise and will likely be a popular sleeper pick amongst analysts for the third straight season. I'm not saying they're a sleeper, just saying don't sleep on them. They're more dangerous than they were in previous years. Do you want to know why? Let me break it down for you Fearless style.

Matt Leinart now has his rookie season behind him. Last year, he was extremely successful as far as rookie qb's go. Leinart posted solid numbers, but much more importantly he showed great command of the offense. Now entering his second year (his first full season as a starter), he appears poised to take another big step forward. Bringing in a new coaching staff is usually tough on a young quarterback, but there are reasons to believe this change will do Leinart good. Ken Whisenhunt worked wonders with Roethlisberger right out of the gate when Big Ben was a rookie in Pittsburgh. Also, Russ Grimm is almost sure to have the offensive line in better shape than what we're used to in the valley of the sun. The Cards will likely run the ball more efficiently and be better in their pass protection. Those two things will allow Leinart to work more freely and gain a whole new level of comfort on the field. Whisenhunt is known for being extra creative with some of his play calling, but Leinart has an extremely sharp football mind and should receive those game plan wrinkles well. The bottom line, Leinart has the talent surrounding him and the talent within himself to have a very productive year.

Everyone knows who you're talking about when you say, "The Edge", but now there are two versions of him. There's the Edgerrin James that we saw dominate as a member of the Colts for years in an offense that ran like a well oiled machine. Then there's the Edge that, last year, was stuffed consistently at the line of scrimmage and was held to a career low 3.4 yards per carry. So which one will we get this year? I believe he'll be somewhat of a hybrid of the two. There's no doubt that it's easier to put up good numbers in Indy than in Arizona, but the new coaching staff did work some magic with Pittsburgh's running game over the last few years. If the offensive line gels early then Edge could end up around 4 yards per carry and the Cards could sniff double digits wins.

The Cardinals have what appears to be a dynamite pair of receivers. Anquan Bolding is big, fast and very strong. He also has deceptive moves that often confuse defenders. Boldin just seems to find a way to get away from guys in the open field. He's basically Terrell Owens with a good personality. Larry Fitzgerald is the perfect complement to Boldin. He's tall, he's got great leaping ability and he has what can only be described as glue hands. The guy catches everything. He's like a way less fast, way less crazy Randy Moss. I don't know about you, but I'd love to start a team with a cool T.O. and a slow, sane Moss.

If the new coaching staff can get some decent production out of the offensive line then the Cardinals are going to be controlling the clock and scoring twenty or more points a game. That would be exceedingly helpful to their defense which struggled often last year due to fatigue. The Cards have a chance to have a good, but not great defense. They have a bright defensive coordinator in Clancy Pendergast and they have some talented play makers to keep opposing offenses off balance. What Ken Whisenhunt and his staff are going to be able to accomplish in their first year still remains to be seen. But for the first time in years, it feels like the dark cloud hovering over this franchise is dissipating. I've lived in Phoenix, Arizona my whole life and I've never been so surprised to see the sun.

Noah: Ruffled Feathers

The Atlanta Falcons season appears to be over and it's not even August yet. Michael Vick was ordered by Roger Goodell not to appear at the Falcons training camp until the league collects more facts and determines what further punishment will be handed down. The team issued a statement saying that they had planned on suspending Vick for 4 games, but Goodell stepped in and told the Falcons to hold off until he had made his decision.

What does all this mean? It looks like the Falcons season rests on the arm of the much maligned Joey Harrington. Some people feel that the Falcons are lucky to have an experienced QB that's ready to step in, but I beg to differ. Teams want to be able to plug in a "proven" guy and Harrington is just that. The problem is, the only thing he's proven is that he can't get the job done. Lions fans are laughing at the very notion that Harrington can stop the bleeding in Atlanta. They've seen this guy's game and they'll tell you just how pretty it's not.

To give you an idea of how much trouble the Falcons are in this year, you have to consider their major problem from last season. The passing game absolutely stunk. Everyone who has watched Vick and the Falcons before has thought to themselves, "If this guy could just pass, they would be unstoppable." There's no doubt that Vick is an amazing runner and a dangerous quarterback, but he flat out can't pass the ball effectively. Are you ready for the scary part, Falcons fans? Harrington is even worse. I'm not kidding. Even if Vick never ran for a single yard, he's got the better passing numbers. That's how much trouble you're in. Here's the statistical cavalry to back me up.

Vick:

• Starts: 67
• TD's: 71
• INT's: 52
• Raiting: 75.7
• Wins: 38

Harrington:

• Starts: 66
• TD's: 72
• INT's: 77
• Rating: 68.1
• Wins: 23

As a kid, I had this neighbor who was about a year or two older than me. He was a little demented and just an absolute sharpshooter with his BB gun rifle. He spent many days shooting birds out of the sky. I remember when I would see a bird come falling from the heavens and then smash violently into the ground, I knew he was close by. As I watched the Atlanta Falcons take a brutal shot and start free falling straight towards the dirt, I was reminded of him. I'm pretty sure he didn't have anything to do with this one, but it's hard to let go of those things that are ingrained into you as a youngster. And that's why it's going to be very difficult for lifelong Falcons fans to let go of their hopes for this season. A bit of advice...just let go.

Noah: Blowing Off Some Steam

I have a tendency to make light of the negatives in the world of sports. I look past a myriad of problems and then make jokes about the ones that are impossible to ignore. This past week has taken it's toll on me though. I can't remember a time when the three major sports in America looked more unappealing. Each sport has their own nightmare situation to deal with. While they're all bad individually, collectively they're atrocious.

Is it too much to ask for to live in a world where refs and players don't cheat or superstars don't kill dogs for fun? I guess so. People don't want to face harsh truths or ask themselves tough questions. We just want to embrace the things that we enjoy. But when you reach a certain point you have to face up to things and you need to ask yourself questions you never thought you would. Can you really feel okay with yourself watching a league where a majority of the players are cheating? Can you enjoy watching a league with not just incompetent, but corrupt officials? Can you actually feel good about yourself watching a league that allows a sick, twisted, dog murderer to play it's highest profile position?

I miss the days when when I didn't have to address my morals just to turn on a ball game. Instead I'm left venting to make myself feel better for not watching sports one second less.

Noah: Running Diary Of A Fantasy Football Mock Draft...

12:35pm: As I wait in the lobby for the mock draft to fill up I'm mentally somewhere between disgusted with myself and ridiculously excited. I used to judge people for playing Dugeons & Dragons and now I'm hooked on the sports equivalent.

12:40pm: I've been awarded the 5th pick in a 12 team draft. Not a bad spot to be at all. I'm guessing that I'll land Joseph Addai (#4 overall on my board) with my selection. Something tells me Tomlinson will be gone by then.

12:42pm: Addai it is! It was extremely difficult to pass on Shaun Alexander, but I like Addai's prospects and it's all about minimizing risk if you can.

12:45pm: If I'm lucky I could end up with Travis Henry or Reggie Bush in the second round. That might just be wishful thinking though.

12:46pm: Manning went 9th. He's a stud, but I have a hard time believing he is worth a 1st round pick in a 1 QB format.

12:47pm: Rudi Johnson might be the most boring guy you can take in the first round. That being said, you can't go wrong with him. He is a model of consistency.

12:47: The first round has come to a close. Here's the way it shook out:

1. L. Tomlinson
2. S. Jacskson
3. L. Johnson
4. F. Gore
5. J. Addai
6. S. Alexander
7. B, Westbrook
8. W. Parker
9. P. Manning
10. R. Johnson
11. L. Maroney
12. S. Smith

12:48pm: Ahhh! Bush was snatched away from me at number 13. I haven't felt this bad since I was sold on a "Groin Smasher 2000" after seeing a very convincing infomercial.

12:49pm: Henry was just ripped away from me as well (at #15) and now all the exciting backs are officially gone. At this point I'm left with only one choice. Ocho-Cinco, baby! You don't pass on a guy with a blond fohawk and gold teeth this late in the second round, okay? You just don't.

12:50pm: Thanks to the standard format and the inevitable run on backs I did something I promised myself I wouldn't. I drafted a Buffalo Bills' player to start on my team. Not that the Bills offense will be terrible this year, but it's almost become tradition for me to stay away from them at this point. I really wasn't planning on starting Marshawn Lynch, but that's just the way things played out. I'm going to be drafting for serious running back depth now that I only have 1 proven starter.

12:52pm: I snatched up Randy Moss with my 4th round pick and then asked myself this question. "If my two receivers got into a knife fight in a dark alley, who would win?" A huge smile stretched across my face before I was even done asking the question. I wasn't so much thinking about who would win (Chad Johnson), but rather how funny it was that neither guy would back down. As a matter of fact, they might be the only two receivers in the league that would actually welcome a knife fight. I'm not exactly sure what that does for my team, but that has to count for something.

12:56pm: It looks like waiting on a QB is going to pay off. We're heading towards the end of round 6 and Tony Romo and Jon Kitna are still on the board. Both of whom reside in my top 8 QB's.

12:57pm: And for my 7th round pick, I select...Tony Romo. Kitna would have probably been the safer pick, but my gut was saying Romo all the way. Let's just hope he's over that botched snap.

My starting lineup now looks like this.

QB: Tony Romo
RB: Joseph Addai
RB: Marshawn Lynch
RB/WR: Julius Jones
WR: Chad Johnson
WR: Randy Moss
TE: Tony Gonzalez

1:00pm: I haven't had a chance to survey the other teams yet. My instincts are telling me that I have a top 3 team, but probably not the best.

1:02pm: Believe it or not, my team is actually one of the 2 best. The one team that I would probably trade rosters with looks like this...

QB: Carson Palmer
RB: Ladainian Tomlinson
RB: Corey Dillon
RB/WR: Lee Evans
WR: Torry Holt
WR: Javon Walker
TE: Todd Heap

That really shows the advantage of getting the first pick in a standard league format. Tomlinson can make up for any deficiencies that you may have in your second running back slot. Even if it's somebody as ridiculous as Corey Dillon who is retired, sigh. LDT might score as much as my two backs combined even though I have Addai who is a top 5-6 back on most experts boards. I'm so glad that my actual fantasy league plays in a superior format that creates balance amongst the positions.

Well, all the exciting rounds have passed so it's time to close this wonderful chapter in our lives. All in all it was a pretty fun project. I'm glad you could share in my nerdy football experience. You can mock me for loving mock drafts if you want, but just remember one thing. We live in a fantasy football world and I'm a fantasy football girl, er guy.

Noah: My Thursday Takes...

Who knew how right we were when we called Michael Vick, "Sick Vick"? I want to go on record now saying that I think Vick will never play another game in the NFL. This thing is just too big. People will never forgive him and will never allow him to play again without protesting and that will severely damage the image of the league. I actually think this is going to be a blessing in disguise for the Falcons. Vick has held them hostage with his potential for years and now they can finally cut ties and move on.

Does anyone else find it peculiar that Vick hasn't even made a statement yet? I would think if you were innocent, you would at least want to get in front of the mic and say something.

Barry Bonds hit homers #752 & #753 today at my favorite baseball stadium, Wrigley Field. It's going to be kind of sad when he passes Hank Aaron, but it appears to be inevitable at this point so I guess I'll have to be happy to be watching when history is made.

Am I the only one who's already sick of David Beckham? I don't care about soccer and I don't care about him. They better not show even one more clip of Beckham on Sportscenter unless Posh Spice is in the shot with him.

The Lakers re-signed Chris Mihm today, so I'm pretty sure Kobe will want to stay put now. If he knows he can get out and run with a sizzling talent like Mihm then why would he want out? It's not like you can find a tall goofy white guy with limited skills just anywhere.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I can't get enough fantasy football to fill my fantasy starved belly. Teams haven't even started training camp yet and I'm already doing mock fantasy drafts and looking for mock auctions online. You know you have a problem when you refuse to go to the bathroom without your fantasy magazine.

I can't wait for the real NFL season to start either. I get so pumped up every year and then I get deflated early because I'm a Cardinals fan and their season is usually over after about 4 games. I fall for the hype every time. I always talk myself into scenarios where they will make the playoffs, but I won't do that this year. I'm staying disciplined and I'm not getting my hopes up. Although, this year does seem different. They do have the pieces in place and maybe they actually can make a deep playoff run. You have to love blind hope and you have to love football.

Noah: Fearless NFL Power Rankings Version 1.0

It may only be July, but April shower's and June bugs are already a thing of the past so it doesn't feel too premature to march out our NFL power rankings. Our research consisted of important things like leaving no stone unturned as well as working tirelessly to bring you the most accurate rankings possible. Either that, or we went with our gut and hammered this thing out in less than an hour. Without further ado, the 2007 Fearless NFL power rankings.

Note: All teams are listed with projected 2007 records.

1. New England Patriots: 14-2

The Pats at #1 is a no-brainer. They have the most talent, the fewest weaknesses and the best coach.

2. San Diego Chargers: 13-3

The Chargers will miss Marty, but they are the only team that can hold a candle to the Patriots in terms of talent. I'm pretty sure that you could put LDT and Shawne Merriman out there with 20 high school players and still make the playoffs.

3. Denver Broncos: 12-4

Denver is a dangerous team. They have an elite coach, an extremely talented defense and a young, fearless QB. They also added a well rounded workhorse back in Travis Henry.

4. Baltimore Ravens: 12-4

Good defenses win games. Unless you're the Raiders and your offense is being run by an old man with dementia (see 2006 Raiders).

5. Chicago Bears: 12-4

I hate the Bears defense. They are so good that they're forcing me to put a team in the top 5 that starts Rex "gross man" Grossman at quarterback.

6. Indianapolis Colts: 11-5

I'm a firm believer that Peyton Manning is the most valuable football player alive so it pains me to list his Colts this low, but if you look at the 5 teams ahead of them you will notice a common theme. All five teams have excellent defenses and the Colts are going to struggle badly on that side of the ball this year.

7. New Orleans Saints: 11-5

They look like a lock to repeat as the feel good story of the year. I'm officially excited for the Reggie Bush era now.

8. Philadelphia Eagles: 10-6

With McNabb and Westbrook healthy, we should see the same old Eagles this year. If injuries hit them like last year they could be in trouble. Jeff "Mexican food restaurant" won't be there to rescue them this time.

9. New York Jets: 10-6

How are the Jets #9? Maybe I should rethink my ranking system.

10. Seattle Seahawks: 10-6

A healthy Shaun Alexander makes this team the front runner in the improving NFC West.

11. Dallas Cowboys: 9-7

The Cowboys look like one of those team that could finish anywhere from 5-11 to 11-5 depending on how the ball bounces this season. I foresee a lot of close games in their future.

12. Jacksonville Jaguars: 9-7

The Jags are another team with a lot of question marks. If Maurice Jones-Drew continues to make game changing plays on a regular basis then Jacksonville will have a decent shot at the playoffs.

13. Kansas City Chiefs: 9-7

We all know Larry Johnson brings the syrup and the butter to the table. Let's just see if the offensive line can serve up enough pancakes to keep the Chiefs offense from going hungry on Sundays.

14. St. Louis Rams: 9-7

The Rams are one of the more exciting teams in the league. Marc Bulger picked up Scott Linehan's offense extremely quickly and posted some terrific numbers last year. He threw a career high 24 touchdowns and cut down his interceptions dramatically. Bulger entered last season averaging 1.16 picks per game, but only threw 8 while playing all 16 games for the Rams in 2006.

15. San Francisco 49ers: 9-7

Many "experts" have selected the Niners as their sleeper team this year. Vernon Davis will be the key to whether they finish with more wins than losses. If he can make 1-2 big plays a game then the 49ers might be taking home a division title for the first time since 2002.

16. Pittsburgh Steelers: 8-8

I can't really imagine the Steelers finishing much better than 8-8 this season. They underwent too many changes and look like a team on the decline. The one x-factor is Roethlisberger who might be able to carry this team on his back. I'd say they're about a 6-1 long shot to make the playoffs in the ultra competitive AFC.

17. Carolina Panthers: 7-9

The Panthers are talented and inconsistent, which is a long winded way to tell you they're mediocre.

18. Cincinnati Bengals: 7-9

Exciting offense and a laughable defense. If the Bengals were a soft drink, they would be called Diet Colts. They're sort of the same thing only a lot worse.

19. Arizona Cardinals: 7-9

There's every reason to think the Cardinals might actually make some noise this year. The problem is that they are the Cardinals. They're becoming a less likable version of the Chicago Cubs. Every year there is hope, but they always fall flat on their faces. They definitely have talent and they finally have what appears to be a good coaching staff in place, but the Cards will be fighting a long history of ineptness as they've only posted one winning season in the past 22 years. They went 9-7 in the 1998 season and actually beat Dallas in the playoffs before falling to the mighty 15-1 Vikings and their record setting offense.

20. Buffalo Bills: 7-9

Playing New England twice is going to hurt their chances to finish with a good record, but they do appear to be a team on the rise.

21. Washington Redskins: 7-9

If Clinton Portis doesn't blow out his knee or accidentally rip one of his arms out of the socket while playing Wii tennis, the Skins could surprise some people this season.

22. New York Giants: 7-9

It looks like they may have the wrong Man-ning for the job. Now that Tiki Barber is gone we'll get a chance to answer that question indefinitely.

23. Houston Texans: 7-9

They've got a lot of new pieces this year, but unfortunately for the Texans, most of them are other peoples old pieces.

24. Green Bay Packers: 6-10

What you see with this team depends on how you look at the Packers. I'm somewhat of an optimist so I'd say the glass is more 5% full than it is 95% empty. Well, at least they still have Brett (fav-ra).

25. Tennesee Titans: 6-10

Vince Young is the greasiest runner I have ever seen. Why can't anyone get a grip on that guy? He cuts through defenses like a hot knife through butter. The only way he could be any more exciting is if he got to go up against his own team's defense which is absolutely terrible.

26. Miami Dolphins: 6-10

Dolphins fans may end up trying to woo Dan Marino out of retirement by week 6.

27. Atlanta Falcons: 6-10

This team will once again be Vick-timized by their QB. This time it may have more to do with his federal indictment and less to do with the fact that he can't run an NFL offense.

28. Minnesota Vikings: 6-10

It'll be fun to watch Adrian Peterson unleashed on opposing defenses. It'll be funny to watch Tavaris Jackson try to play quarterback.

29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 5-11

The Bucs have a lot of decent quarterbacks. That was the most positive thing I could think to say about them.

30. Cleveland Browns: 5-11

The Browns had an excellent draft, but it looks like it's going to be a few years before they can do any damage.

31. Detroit Lions: 4-12

The Lions have a chance to be much better than 4-12, but their shoddy defense and lack of a running game should help them blow more than a few games.

32. Oakland Raiders: 3-13

The Raiders should be better this year, but that's not saying much since last year they fielded what I consider to be the worst NFL offense I've ever seen.

Kyle: What I Love About Sports

As a sports fan, I have been party to several great moments.

I am an Arizona native, and when the underdog Diamondbacks defeated the mighty Yankees in game seven of the 2001 World Series, I was in a room full of men who had probably never hugged each other in their entire lives. Yet, as soon as that Luis Gonzalez blooper landed in center field, we all leaped out of our seats and embraced each other in an act of instinctive, unrestrained joy.

I am a lifelong Denver Broncos fan (predating the Cardinals migration to the desert). I watched John Elway through his whole career. I watched him suffer through three humiliating Super Bowl defeats. And then came Super Bowl 32 (screw Roman numerals). With the scored tied 17-17 in the third quarter, and the Broncos facing third-and-six at the Green Bay 12, Elway dropped back to pass, couldn't find an open man and took off up the middle of the field. He was nearing the first down marker when strong safety Leron Butler cut him off and prepared to explode into the 37 year old quarterback's body. Quarterbacks are supposed to slide in that situation. Elway didn't. Instead he went airborne and recklessly threw his body into the oncoming tackler. Butler's hit spun Elway around in mid air and he landed just in time to absorb more punishment from defensive back Mike Prior. First down. Anyone who was watching knows that was the pivotal moment in the Broncos first Super Bowl victory, and it perfectly summed up Elway's career. I got legitimate chills while I was watching it. Hell, I'm getting chills writing about it.

I could list many more special moments I enjoyed as a spectator, but the greatest moment of my life-in-sports came not as a spectator, but as a player.

I played a lot of organized basketball growing up, but that came to a halt once adult responsibilities (job, wife, kids) intervened. And then, after several years of inactivity, some friends and I decided to join a recreational adult league. Most of the players on the team had very limited organized basketball experience. So we didn't necessarily expect to be good, but we at least hoped to be competitive. Those hopes were quickly dashed. Most of the other teams in the league were made up of guys who had played high school ball together. They were bigger, stronger, more experienced, more skilled and vastly more athletic than us. We were absurdly outclassed in just about every facet of the game.

One of our opponents was not quite at the level of the elite teams that were regularly crushing us, but still significantly better than we were. As it happens, this team was made up entirely of deaf players. So naturally we referred to them as "The Deaf Team". In this league, each team played every other team twice. The first time we played The Deaf Team, we were soundly beaten. Then came the rematch.

Fast forward to the end of the fourth quarter where we find ourselves in the familiar position of being on the wrong side of a double digit deficit. Down by 11, with 2:30 left to play, I drive to the hoop and score two. On the next play, somehow our atrocious defense manages a stop. Then, with a couple minutes on the clock, my brother--who was our three point sharpshooter--drains a trey to cut the lead to six. Miraculously, we get another defensive stop. Now hope is begin to creep in ever so subtly.

We feed my brother the ball praying for another three, but he is smothered by a double team, so he finds me in the corner...and I knock down the triple instead. We're within three! Another stop! We have the ball with less than a minute remaining! Once again my brother is tightly covered. The ball rotates around. It ends up in my hands. I spot up from the wing, and with a hand in my face, I can my second of back-to-back threes. Tie game!

But not for long. The Deaf Team races down the court and breaks our Thermopylean defensive stand with a two point bucket. We're back down by two. 10 seconds left. The Deaf Team sets up in a full court press. My brother is our best ball handler, but two defenders are on him like a strait jacket, so I race to the ball and receive the inbounds pass. I start my dribble, but immediately two men converge on me. Even if I could dribble out of it, there is no time. And the only open man down court is the player on our team with virtually no basketball experience, and a complete inability to shoot. Not the guy you want holding the ball with the game on the line. But there's no other choice so I wing a pass into his hands. And then, as I feared, a defender sprints over, grabs the ball, and ties him up. Game over.

But wait! Our player--who is maybe 5'7" and weighs 130 pounds soaking wet--is overcome with the heart of a lion and wildly twists his body, tearing free from his Goliath-sized defender. Unfortunately, now he's falling down with two ticks left on the clock. But my brother, who had rushed to his aid, is standing nearby, at the top of the key just beyond the arc. He flips the ball to my brother, but there's only one second left. There's no time to spot up, or even look at the basket for that matter. As soon as the ball touches my brother's fingertips, he just hurls towards the basket in one fluid motion on pure instinct. The buzzer goes off. The ball banks in.

I wish I could say, "The crowd goes wild", but there were perhaps half a dozen people in that musty old gym, and I'm not even sure how many of them were watching the game. But it didn't matter. As my brother leaped into my arms and I held him aloft while we were mobbed by our teammates, I was suffused with such unadulterated elation, that it's hard to imagine the victors in the NCAA title game feel any better.

And that's the point. This game could not have been any more meaningless if it was pick up hoops in the park. But we had played our hearts out, and we had won, and for one shining moment, we were on top of the world.

That's what I love about sports.

Noah: Buy Me Some Peanuts And Cracker Jack's

After my last post, I found myself wanting to make an attempt to re-connect with baseball. What better way to do that than a trip to the old ball park? So I decided to take my 10 year old boy to the Padres @ the Diamondbacks on this most recent Friday the 13th.

The following letters, spaces and punctuation will give you an idea of what went through my head on the aforementioned trip.

On this day, I had some questions. These, as ludicrous as they may seem, are those questions.

What came first, the ballpark or the terrifying neighborhood surrounding the ballpark? Is every city like this?

Is it just me or does Greg Maddux look like a cross between Matthew Broderick and a clean cut Bret "The Hitman" Hart?

How come fans haven't figured out how ridiculously annoying "the wave" is yet? Please sit down people. I'm trying to watch a game here. Although, if one of these times a surfing tournament breaks out mid-game I will definitely have egg on my face.

Why do I feel obligated to stand up and stretch during the 7th inning stretch even when I just got up and walked around during the 5th and 6th innings?

Why do I feel like I can do a better job at being "Baxter" the mascot than the guy/girl inside the costume even though I'm a low energy guy who can't dance or do a lick of gymnastics?

And finally, why do they use those T-shirt guns when they don't shoot any further than most people can throw? Seriously, can we upgrade those things already? Is gunpowder an option? Hit me in the upper deck, I'm open!

And now some priceless moments @ Chase Field:

When I bought my bratwurst for $6 and the guy gave me a sly look as if to say, "I can't believe you just paid 6 bucks for that".

The look on that same vendors face when I confidently cracked a wry smile and strutted away, leaving him to deal with the realization that I would have gladly paid $10.

Getting stage fright at the urinal and having to do a fake flush only to return to the bathroom minutes later and wait for a stall. This really happened.

Realizing that after 26 years on this earth, I still can't figure how to clap along with all those different clapping songs. There are just too many. Someone needed to say it

Trying to figure out how 75% of the guys sitting in the row in front of me look exactly like Kevin Spacey, but nothing like one another.

Picking my favorite loud beer vendor guy. For me it's usually whichever one wipes out, but I was not so lucky on this night. Top honors went to the guy that repeatedly ripped on fans for no reason and failed to realize that nobody thought he was funny. Which turned out to be funny.

Staying for the whole game and feeling weird for not leaving early.

Realizing that America's pastime, like senior citizens, can still serve a purpose. But I've got a sports migraine and football is the only cure. Sorry baseball, but tonight you spelled relief like a baby Tylenol. I need to lie down for a bit.

Noah: The Random Musings Of A Bored Man

It's that painful time of year when the NBA has finished up their draft and the NFL season is still a couple of months away. This leaves only baseball to carry us and quite frankly I don't think I can yawn big enough to show you how boring baseball has become to me. I'm not sure what it is, but every time I watch baseball now it makes me feel like I do when I'm shopping with a girl. I'm just sitting there watching and wondering a) how can someone else find this so fascinating? b) when is this going to be over with? and c) what would Arnold Schwarzenegger do if he was in my shoes? Somehow I just don't think he would get caught in those situations. He would always be cool enough to sneak off to Sbarro's for a snack and then end up winning a Mortal Kombat tournament in the arcade or something. Only to return and actually get away with the excuse that he "took so long" because he was shopping for her at Thing's Remembered.

Speaking of the Schwarz, one thing I have always wondered is, what was going on when the writers were dreaming up the plot for the movie "The 6th Day"? I imagine the discussion went something like this...

Writer #1: "We need to come up with a movie idea that's hot and fresh for Arnold."

Writer #2: "It's not going to be easy coming off the heels of Eraser, True Lies & Last Action Hero, but..."

Writer #1: "Wait a second...I think I may have something here. What's better than one Arnold?"

Three second pause...

Both writers at the same time: "Two Arnolds!"

Followed by a high five and about 12 seconds of uncomfortable man hugging.

Now that movie was a home run (at least in the unintentional comedy department). Unfortunately, baseball no longer is. And that's no laughing matter.

Noah: A Tale Of Two QB's

Fantasy football (FF) has blown up since I started playing it 16 years ago. I still remember Randall Cunningham's face on the cover of my first ever FF book seeming to say, "Take me first, I won't let you down." To be honest, FF just seemed a little too fake to be cool, but I thought I'd give it a try. I was hooked for life during my first draft when I realized this was the closest I would ever get to playing in the NFL. I know what you're thinking, "That's pretty close and you're pretty cool, Noah". You know what I'm thinking? You're a sarcastic bastard. You also might be a genius.

Moving right along...

The major problem I have with FF in general is the fact that it just hasn't evolved as much as it should have. There are millions of people participating in leagues and there are more than enough cheat sheets out there to allow you to draft a solid team without much research. If you're fairly new to FF, trust me when I tell you it wasn't always this way. I consider those things a nice step forward in the fantasy sports world. But the fact of the matter is, the game itself just hasn't changed enough. The main reason for that is most people try to keep FF as true to real football as possible. I'll deal more with that later, but I will say, it's a league where you make up an imaginary football team and take real players stats to measure your fake teams performance against other imaginary teams. But they're definitely right. Let's keep this thing as real as possible. Ugh.

The glaring problems with FF are more than you might think and frankly more than I care to write about. Without further ado, here's my list of the biggest problems and their solutions.

(Warning: Before reading this list, be prepared to completely change the way you look at FF.)

Problem #1: In most years, the first 12 out of 13 or 14 players chosen are running backs. It's considered a fantasy football staple. "Load up on RB's early and take some mid and late round fliers on WR's and QB's with upside", says (enter token fantasy expert's name here). Can I say something? Why does it have to be like this? What is the point of this running back domination? The reason for it is that traditional lineups are still overwhelmingly used. These lineups usually consist of 1 QB, 2 RB's, 3 WR's, a flex position (WR, TE or RB), a kicker, a defensive team and 6 bench spots. This is what people are used to, but this is why a guy like Willie Parker will get drafted before Peyton Manning. This is why the owner who drafts Steve Smith in the first round is ridiculed by his buddies and probably won't win the championship. Want an easy fix that will make your league more fun? Welcome to your new addiction. I call it playing FF the right way. It's like upgrading your girlfriend from Alicia Goranson (the original Becky on 'Roseanne') to Sarah Chalke (the new and improved Becky). Even John Goodman was breaking character and giving her the eye.

A new lineup is the first step. Don't be afraid to admit you may have a problem. Here's how it breaks down. You start 2 QB's, 2 RB's, 4 WR's, 2 TE's, 6 bench spots and that's it. It may seem crazy, but let me explain. This makes QB's and TE's way more important. Which balances things out in the early rounds. In a 10 team league with 1 starting QB, the worst starting quarterback will be someone like Farve, Kitna or Vince Young. That's not so bad. The guy with Peyton Manning only has a slight edge and you have better running backs to make up for it. In a 10 team league with 2 starting QB's you could end up starting J.P. Losman and Alex Smith side by side if you wait to long! I'm pretty sure the guy with Peyton Manning and Marc Bulger isn't too worried about your running backs. The same applies to TE's, but to a lesser degree. The top 10 TE's are all studs and wash each other out in a 1 TE format, but if you grab 2 of the top 5 while someone else ends up starting Owen Daniels and Marcus Pollard in the 2 TE format then you have a leg up. Also you won't be able to neglect WR's too much because you need to start 4 now. This will make draft day a lot more interesting and you won't have to feel shafted if you don't get a top 3 pick.

Some people would argue that fantasy football should be as realistic as possible, therefore you should only start 1 QB. I would counter by asking those people to show me an NFL team that starts two tailbacks and to show me a GM that would take Rudi Johnson or Joseph Addai over Tom Brady or Carson Palmer to start their franchise.

Problem #2: Wide receivers are insignificant. The first WR off the board isn't usually until mid to late 2nd round. Once again we can fix this so why don't we? Change your scoring system to reward wide outs and tight ends. What kind of yards are the hardest to come by in the NFL? Receiving yards. The top wide out's usually only average something like 80-85 yards a game. So why are they worth the same as rushing yards in every league? The standard scoring system is usually something like this:

Passing TD: 4 pts
Passing Yards: 1 pt for every 20 yards
Rush/Rec TD: 6 pts
Rush/Rec Yards: 1 pt for every 10 yards

To improve balance and add a much needed twist, consider this scoring system:

Passing TD: 5 pts
Passing Yards: 1 pt for every 30 yards
Rushing TD: 6 pts
Rushing Yards: 1 pt for every 15 yards
Rec TD: 7 pts
Rec Yards: 1 pt for every 10 yards.

This will make the players much more even and you can draft the best player available as opposed to the best RB left on the board. Who wants to get forced into taking Cedric Benson when guys like Chad Johnson are still available?

The last thing to address is the fat trimmed off by doing away with kickers and defensive teams. I for one can't remember that last time a kicker won a fantasy game for me and I felt like I made a smart play and deserved to win via the boot. But I do remember countless times of feeling completely ripped off because someone got lucky and their kicker made 5 fg's on Monday night to beat me by 1 point. Who needs the heartache? Fantasy football is already brutal enough on the nerves.

Defensive teams might be a little more likable, but in the end they just don't add much to the games. Once again it just seems like luck when a defense goes off. You can play the match ups a bit, but most defenses average almost the same points per game as each other anyway. My #1 reason for saying sayonara to these 2 positions is the way they affect your bench. No smart owner carries a backup kicker or a backup defensive team. So when your def/kicker has a bye you either have to drop them (which many people do and that shows you how little they are valued) or you can drop someone off your bench. The problem there is that good owners won't be carrying guys they want to drop for a kicker, (i.e a handcuff like Michael Turner) but they are forced to or else they have to run a blank and that's why I say, good riddance, Phil Dawson and the Denver Defense. It was fun while it lasted. Sort of.

Noah: Waist Deep In Wimbledon

Tennis isn't really given the recognition that I feel it deserves. At least not in the U.S. Some would argue that America is only "really" interested in team sports, but golf, nascar (if you want to call that a sport) and MMA are all very popular. So what gives? What's not to like? It's back and forth drama. It's a test of wills and mental strength. Just a man out there on an island. And as a bonus, most of the women's matches sound like a dirty movie without the 70's disco soundtrack. Don't act like you didn't notice.

Let's dive right into Wimbledon...

What can you say about Roger Federer that hasn't already been said? He just won his 5th straight Wimbledon title by besting his rival Rafael Nadal. Even though Nadal always gives him problems, you're just never watching Federer and wondering if he's going to win or lose. You just turn on the match knowing you will see something special. He's an absolute artist on the court and by far the best tennis player that has ever graced the earth. Sorry Pete, Roger would have outdone even you in your prime. If it wasn't for the fact that Nadal is unbelievable on clay courts, nobody would even attempt to debate Federer's place as number 1 all time.

The great American hope, Andy Roddick, once again was knocked out of a Grand Slam, this time by Frenchman, Richard Gasquet. I feel bad for Roddick sometimes. People in America think he is better than he is. He is one dimensional. He is a world class server and a pretty good tennis player. I'm sorry, but you need to be better than pretty good to win a Grand Slam these days. I want to coin a new phrase called a "server's chance" for someone like Roddick as opposed to a "puncher's chance" that is used by commentators and fans during every boxing or MMA pay-per-view. If his serve is perfect for 2 weeks straight then he has a chance. If he's forced to play tennis, he doesn't. It kind of makes you not want to root for him. Who wants to see someone who's not that good at tennis play tennis? That's what having kids is for. So you can watch someone play a sport badly and root for them. Oh, and also so you have someone to do all the backbreaking labor around the house.

On the women's side of the draw, Venus Williams came out of nowhere to win this thing! At least that's what people will tell you. I'm just not sure how the person who won Wimbledon in 2000, 2001, and 2005 can be a huge surprise winner in 2007. Sure she had a hurt left wrist and she isn't on the top of her game right now, but she is a winner. And by the way, she is pretty damn good on grass courts. For proof of that I suggest answering the following trivia question, "What woman has won 4 out of the last 8 Wimbledon titles?".

I do enjoy watching women's tennis and I can appreciate what they do, but I'm not sure why I like it. Any pro men's player would crush the women, (kind of like in basketball) but somehow I don't mind it too much. I hope there's more to it than the fact that attractive women are running around in short skirts and frequently bending over. On second thought, I'm okay with that.

Well, I just finished a 32 ounce bottle of Gatorade and now that it's in me, I'm heading to the bathroom to get it out of me.