After my last post, I found myself wanting to make an attempt to re-connect with baseball. What better way to do that than a trip to the old ball park? So I decided to take my 10 year old boy to the Padres @ the Diamondbacks on this most recent Friday the 13th.
The following letters, spaces and punctuation will give you an idea of what went through my head on the aforementioned trip.
On this day, I had some questions. These, as ludicrous as they may seem, are those questions.
What came first, the ballpark or the terrifying neighborhood surrounding the ballpark? Is every city like this?
Is it just me or does Greg Maddux look like a cross between Matthew Broderick and a clean cut Bret "The Hitman" Hart?
How come fans haven't figured out how ridiculously annoying "the wave" is yet? Please sit down people. I'm trying to watch a game here. Although, if one of these times a surfing tournament breaks out mid-game I will definitely have egg on my face.
Why do I feel obligated to stand up and stretch during the 7th inning stretch even when I just got up and walked around during the 5th and 6th innings?
Why do I feel like I can do a better job at being "Baxter" the mascot than the guy/girl inside the costume even though I'm a low energy guy who can't dance or do a lick of gymnastics?
And finally, why do they use those T-shirt guns when they don't shoot any further than most people can throw? Seriously, can we upgrade those things already? Is gunpowder an option? Hit me in the upper deck, I'm open!
And now some priceless moments @ Chase Field:
When I bought my bratwurst for $6 and the guy gave me a sly look as if to say, "I can't believe you just paid 6 bucks for that".
The look on that same vendors face when I confidently cracked a wry smile and strutted away, leaving him to deal with the realization that I would have gladly paid $10.
Getting stage fright at the urinal and having to do a fake flush only to return to the bathroom minutes later and wait for a stall. This really happened.
Realizing that after 26 years on this earth, I still can't figure how to clap along with all those different clapping songs. There are just too many. Someone needed to say it
Trying to figure out how 75% of the guys sitting in the row in front of me look exactly like Kevin Spacey, but nothing like one another.
Picking my favorite loud beer vendor guy. For me it's usually whichever one wipes out, but I was not so lucky on this night. Top honors went to the guy that repeatedly ripped on fans for no reason and failed to realize that nobody thought he was funny. Which turned out to be funny.
Staying for the whole game and feeling weird for not leaving early.
Realizing that America's pastime, like senior citizens, can still serve a purpose. But I've got a sports migraine and football is the only cure. Sorry baseball, but tonight you spelled relief like a baby Tylenol. I need to lie down for a bit.
